Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A couple in their mid-sixties had finally learned,
after a full year, how to send and receive texts on their expensive mobile phones.
One day while out shopping, the wife and a friend stopped for coffee.
Being a genuine romantic at heart, the wife decided she'd send her husband
a text while she was out and about. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you….

The husband, being a real no-nonsense-sort-of-guy, texted back:

“I'm on the toilet ... please advise…”

Scottish Jew wants to take up Golf !

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary:You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot:Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary:Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot:Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary:You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot:Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary:Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot:Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary:But you are a Jew?

Scot:Aye, I be that.

Secretary:So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot:Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary:I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting
in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot:Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.>And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus .
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

One morning while making breakfast, the old Yorkshireman went up to his wife and pinched her bum and said , "Tha' knows Lass , if tha' firmed this oop we could get rid of tha' girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said , " Tha'knows if tha' firmed these oop we could get rid tha'bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "Tha' knows if tha' firmed this oop we could get rid of t'postman, t'gardener, t'milkman and tha brother"......

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy yobbos pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the mob.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross"..

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,


"Fuck off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

Very good!

I think I might have met her

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

Sounds a bit like been in Newcastle on a Friday night

We're rolling on the floor here. That's definitely worth 5 rofls

Very good!