Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Apparently if you call your car Sally somebody called Tim will service it whilst Kevin's on a sabbatical

Keep on going Athelstan

Shoulda gone to Specsavers....
Cheaper!

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the garden scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her a*se with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, But it worked!
I hauled her fat a*se downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! ..........She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

An Arab and a Jew go to a pastry shop.

The Arab whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Arab says to the Jew: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!

The Jew says to the Arab: Watch this, a Jew is always cleverer than an Arab.

He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

The baker gives him the cookie which the Jew promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

Give me another cookie for my magic trick. The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

The he says again: Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Jew eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: And where is your famous magic trick?

The Jew says: Look in the Arab’s pocket!
_______________________________________

An elderly rich English lady decided to retire to Switzerland to enjoy the clean air and obvious tax benefits. A Swiss estate agent shows her around her dream house located in a perfect remote valley with wonderful views. She is ecstatic and returns to England to sell her own house prior to moving.

One night she wakes up remembering she could not recall the location of toilet facilities in her new Swiss home so the next morning she mails the estate agent asking where the WC may be found.

The estate agent not being familiar with the English term WC does some research. Being a meticulous Swiss he carries out research and is pleased to discover that in English WC stands for Wesleyan Chapel. His reply to her is as follows;



“ Dear Madam,

I am pleased to inform you that the WC is located in the neighbouring valley 15 mins drive from your new home. By local law it is not possible to locate one in privately owned property. It is a very pretty building and can accommodate up to 80 persons at one sitting.
I must say I never feel the need to go because I was forced to attend once a week as a child and that is sufficient in my life I believe. However my wife goes each Sunday always at 10am, staying for exactly 55 mins and meets neighbours afterwards for coffee and confections prepared in the very building.
Only last summer our daughter was married there and we had a truly pleasant day with a large crowd of relations and friends.
A local musician brought his horn and played it at the open doorway as local tradition demands.

Our Priest is always in attendance and is pleased to show parties ( maximum 15 persons of mixed sex ) around. His apartment is just across the road so he can keep a close watch and be there to lend a hand if needed.
Local schools bring their pupils frequently and Father Erik is very pleased to show the children everything.
Sadly for some children it is their first experience but hopefully not their last as Father Erik says with a knowing smile.



The municipal authority, which is secular, attempted to close it last year but luckily this did not proceed.
Some say if we join the EU things will change but we Swiss like our traditions and intend to keep the door open always”

Kindest regards

Emile Huber



Despite its many faults the English lady reconsidered and advised the estate agent by return of mail that she decided to remain in Guildford for the time being.

Overheard in the pub

My wife accused me of ruining her Birthday yesterday. -ollocks I said I didn't even know it was your Birthday.

For the pad computer fanatics:

Trafalgar 2013


“Order the signal, Hardy”
“Aye, aye, sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”
“Sorry, sir?”
“’England expects every person will do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ What gobbledegook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you’ll find there’s a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.”
“Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible, sir.”
“What?”
“Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they say that
the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
“Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.”
“Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.
“Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
“Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
“I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny.”
“It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
“Actually, sir, we’re not.”
“We’re not?”
“No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
“But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king.”
“Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.”
“Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy?”
“I believe it’s to be encouraged, sir.”
“In that case – kiss me, Hardy.”

Very good!