Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

I received a letter from my local council, telling me that, on collection day, wheelie bins must be positioned as close as possible to the path but not overlapping, otherwise I could be fined.

I wrote back asking if, when emptied, my bins could be positioned nowhere near to where I left them, preferably either slap bang in the middle of my driveway or two doors down. And, give them their due, they followed my instructions to the letter.

ah was in Heckmonwicke till 5pm, could of had a 1/2 with you

Somthing to offend everyone

Love it

A stunning blonde was on her way to New York. As she passed passport control she dropped her ticket. A guy in a snappy airline uniform rushed over and picked it up for her. Looking at the ticket he told her that he was the pilot on her flight and wished her a good trip and made a date to go out with her in New York.

She gets on the plane and looked at her seat, pulled a face and then walked through the plane looking for a better seat. Eventually she settled in first class. The steward came over and told her she couldn't sit there but she insisted she preferred that seat, it was more comfortable and had a better view, and she was not going to move. Eventually he went and asked the captain to come and speak to her.

The captain came in and smiled at her then went over and said something to her quietly. The blond got up thanked him with a smile, took her bag and returned to second class.

"What on earth did you say to her to convince her to move?" asked the steward. The captain grinned. "I just told her that I didn't want her to feel embarrassed but that first class was not going to New York!"

+1

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

I have researched the history of ...."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f***ed."

Beer Monster


This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at

the local bottle shop.


I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station
where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window,

and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested

in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"



(Spoken like a true Aussie)

Princess Anne’s ‘Horses for Courses’ cookbook tipped for Christmas top spot

Retailers have announced their Christmas sales predictions today, revealing that Princess Anne has a ‘strong chance’ of reaching the festive top spot for December book sales with the launch of her debut cookbook, ‘Horses for Courses’. Said to be the first of its kind, readers will be treated to wide array of equine offerings, from ‘honey-glazed hoof’ to ‘quick and easy tongue sandwiches, straight from the horse’s mouth’.

‘Despite its concerning colour and gristly texture, horse is in vogue right now’, claims retail expert and critic, Cedric Papier. ‘People are bored with dry turkey and burnt spuds: 2013 is all about taste adaptation. We’re really jumping in the saddle of innovation this year. Quite literally’.

Excited about the anticipated success of the launch, Princess Anne said today: ‘most people have retired racehorses limping around in the garden, don’t they? I’m just proving that they do have a purpose, and it’s a bloody tasty purpose, too. We all know that cooked turkey has the potential to be sandwiched well into January, well, horse meat has even more staying power: the firmness of the meat from years of galloping and whipping ensures you’ll be enjoying horsetail soup well into April’.

Claiming that the 200-page book has gone the extra furlong to cover every taste, including ‘super hot curries’ for those ‘not afraid of the trots’, Princess Anne added: ‘Rest assured I’ve covered all the culinary bases, from Horse d’oeuvres for larger gatherings, to Jam Poff and Red Rum baba for afters. Nobody will be left disappointed’.

Although tipped for festive success, Princess Anne is still set to face stiff competition from the likes of Heston Blumenthal with ‘Dry Ice Christmas’, which details how families can cook an entire Christmas dinner using solidified carbon dioxide alone, as well as Ken Hom, who expects to prove himself as a top spot contender with the launch of his own niche winter cookbook, ‘A Dog Can Just Be For Christmas.

Joe's Woe

Joe was hunting geese up in the Lakes.

He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the hide to take a pee, and as luck would have it, the dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Joe took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a local hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, David. "well, Joe, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Joe.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Joe. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," David says. "She's a flute player in the Scottish Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p1ss in your eye".