Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Four of Santa's elves got sick , the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure . Then Mrs.Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more . When he went to harness the reindeer , he found that three of them were about to give birth and the other two had jumped the fence and were out , Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor boards cracked , the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated , Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor . In his frustration , he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor . He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom . Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door , yanked it open, and their stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, " Merry Christmas , SantaIsn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you . Wher would you like me to stick it? and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of prople know this.

http://www.lbc.co.uk/confusing-scratchcard-withdrawn-by-camelot-82550

Comedy gold.

Brilliant!

I can just see Robin Williams (Live in New York) saying "Do you want fries with that?"

+1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5748lK9HpOg

Swedes at their best!

Indeed John!

A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a show in Romford. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Essex blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little dermot on your lap."

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident . He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company .

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

"Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident , 'I'm fine?" asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow , Bessie, into da...'

'I didn't ask for details', the solicitor interrupted . 'Just answer the question . Did you not say, at the scene of the accident , 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that , at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I belive he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question '.

By this time , the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor : 'Id like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition , he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes .

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me , and said. 'How are you feeling'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say? .

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.