Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Again not for those that are overly sensitive..

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Not so tongue in cheek:

This morning suggested we have a fry up for dinner as we had eggs to use. Sounded good to me.
She also wanted to make a quick trip to the supermarket when I returned from work. A good fry should have Lorne sausage, so as she was about to get out of the car I suggested she bought some.
"Is it green?" was the response.
"Eh?? L-O-R-N-E, you silly moo..."

Turns out Morrisons no longer stock it, allegedly.

I think the medication has finally turned her totally doolally!

Ah! Skwer slice. Just ask if you need Red Cross parcels!

Thanks Bob!!
When we used to do an ocasional delivery trip a little north of Glasgow I and a colleague would always stop at a butcher in Lockerbie, each taking the other's order and loading the car or van. He is from near Dunfermline though, so he still gets 'emergency' supplies via family...

It is with heavy heart that I must inform you that the inventor of predictive text has died.


His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Hallelujah!

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and someone from the Isle of Skye ?







Mick sings"Hey, you, get off of my cloud" while the resident of the misty isle will sing "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe".

Received from a Kiwi mate. Normal warning to those of a sensitive disposition.

Sod it, let's offend everyone!



I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large
chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for
two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”


I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not
the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said,“Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went
into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said “No, you'r still black”.


Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches
tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like
that!"


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, “What's wrong?”
The boy says, “Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus, "the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on
my mind at the moment.”


Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the
doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that
a bacon sandwich works better !


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an
immensely fast shutter-speed,
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth shut.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended
bag on a train or a bus,
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts
down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't
fool me.You're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last
question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"

Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .


A woman has a medical at the doctors.
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
”OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

That should more or less cover it all..

For some of the jokes my political correct women's libber neighbour will crucify you!


I love the Kiwis!!!