Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, " Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well yes Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected , can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn't pay the mortgage . Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that, you saved our home , but what about the second time?"

Martha asked , "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have any money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?. Well I went to see your doctor one night and and if you recall, he did your surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry, "and you saved my life , so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time".

"All right", Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for Chairman of the Golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"

A couple were entertaining some French guests and decided to serve snails. The husband went out to get hold of some suitable snails while his wife remained at home preparing for the evening.

It was a nice day, and after he'd got the snails, the husband decided to pop into his local pub for a couple of pints.

A few hours later and rather the worse for wear, he grabbed the snails and ran home knowing that his wife would be wondering where he'd got to. As he charged through the garden gate he staggered and dropped the snails all over the path.

His wife heard the commotion and went to see what was going on. On seeing her husband she asked "Where the hell have you been?" He looked back at the snails and gestured towards the front door: "Come on lads, we're nearly there!"

THE DEAD PARROT.
The telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Callaway Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . LONG SILENCE . .. . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep dermot!!'

Where are your glasses Mother ?

Usual warning for the delicate ones.


Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing”, I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
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She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

"Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today?
Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present."

Nice one

Very good

+1 :santawave:

Like it :santahohoho:

Normal warning for the delicate ones

Received from a FB Danish Morgan friend...





Thanks to Ian and Keith :xmascheers:

Britain's mighty snow clearing machinery prepares to roll into action.

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