Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

This is Alan next door.
I’m sorry mate, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.

Regards, Alan.


------------------------------
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-
------------------------------

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door again.

Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ to ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that.

My Samsung does that all the time!

I hope you don't.

Jokes aside.

I have no problems with predictive text, such as WiFi, on the Samsung, I am using a Samsung tab now. At least with this I can overide the predictions. It is important to have the setting for automatic substitution (or automatic spelling correction) turned off. If anyone is having this sort of problem please check that this feature is turned off before shooting your wife.

Some years ago we played a joke on a workmate. We used Word for emails.
We used word substitution to replace " the" with another word.......
He realised ok though...no embarrassing mail sent!
We told him he should lock his PC when he went, as was the normal thing to do, security etc...
He did after that!

In my last few years at work, the company was becoming increasingly PC; slightly tedious and a huge contrast from the old Heron Suzuki days ("where men rode bikes and girls held umbrellas" )

As part of this drive for PC, there was increasing automated censorship of emails. This was fine, until we appointed a dealer in Scunthorpe.
Caused all sorts of problems!

With time women gain weight

Because they accumulate so much information and
wisdom in there heads, when there is no more room,
it distributes this information and wisdom out to the rest of their body.

So women are not heavy , they are enormously cultured ,
educated and happy .

Beginning today, when I look at any female backside
I will think --- Good grief, look how smart she is !


Must be where " Smart Arse " came from !

I have had my battles with predictive text and automatic word substitution thinking I have misspelled something. I write a bit and publish our MOGSouth Club Newsletter and had a problem with my Moss Box Plus 8. The Ammeter blew and I loss all electric power. I was reporting on this event for my newsletter, but the computer, being smarter than I, changed what is was that I had written for Ammeter to 'Altimeter'. I missed the change, and the newsletter went out noting my problem with the Plus 8 Altimeter. I got a slew of emails questioning why I had an Altimeter in the Morgan, and did I really need one in Florida?

Cheers,

I like that faux pas, Mark! That's a lovely slip-up..

With apologies to a certain Miss Ayres, I smiled at this earlier too..

I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.