Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A little on the indelicate side, but I heard the late, great Clement Freud telling this one on Radio4 so it can't be that bad:

A chap went out drinking with his mates after work. By midnight, he was completely sozzled. Not only was he going to be really late home, he had managed to be sick down the front of his shirt.

"What am I going to tell the wife?" he wailed plaintively.

"Easy" said his mate. "Just go home holding a £20 note, and tell your wife that someone else did it, and gave you some money to pay for the dry cleaning".

So off our hero staggered, and eventually got home. "Look at the state of you!" shouted his wife.

"'Salright, dear, it wasn't me, and the chap gave me a £20 note to pay for the cleaning"

"Well, that's all very well, but why do you have two £20 notes in your hand?"

"Ah, the other one's from the chap who shat in my pants!"

One for JTL

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a Swanky new restaurant,

"Did you smell that food?" She asked " Wonderful"

Being a kind hearted Yorkshireman, he thought what the heck I will treat her, so he turned around



And walked past it again

Being a Yorkshire man

That sounds about right

A Morgan-racing friend shared this one with me - as usual, I'm sure it's apocryphal, but it's fun.......


HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant..

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God".

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Glorious student logic...
Based on small packets of good science mixed in with some entertainingly excessive extrapolations...

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He asked of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on The bow and let the arrow fly.

And then he died, smiling. And next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood....... on top of his wardrobe.

A Yorkshire man who live in a small country village decided it was time he saw the sea. In due course he arrived at Scarborough and wandered down to the port. After standing and watching the activity for a while he got chatting with a fisherman. "They be mighty fine pigeons" he stated. The fisherman looked at him in astonishment, "They b'ain't pigeons! They be gulls". The countryman responded "Aye doan care if the be gulls or boys, they be mighty fine pigeons!"

With apologies for the poor imitation of a Yorkshire accent. My grandfather did it much better.

Makes me think of the old french joke about the french peasant from the centre of France who goes to the coast for the first time, where he discovers the joys of eating oysters.

Being of a generous disposition, he decides to share this pleasure with his family back home, and buys a wooden box of the île d'Oléron's finest oysters, all packed in seaweed to keep them moist, & sends them back home.

About a week later he receives a letter from his dear old Mum, thanking him for his kind gift. but asked what on earth had he been thinking of, sending them all those stones. She added however, that once she had thrown the stones away, that they all had enjoyed the salad.