Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Do bhi shé go h-ana breoite gach lá agus ar meisce go minic!!!!

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks , Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs , restaurants, concerts , movies and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love . Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship , Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant . While having cocktails and waiting for their salad. Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my Jacket and ask you a life changing question , it's only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut .
I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV . In short , I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If thats a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but , since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said , "That'll be because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball. "

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake

I love it but you are in so much s**t when reads this!

Andy

In the bakers in Dulverton yesterday, for those of you that don't know it it's a quaint old fashioned little town in West Somerset. Well an American lady comes in to buy some bread and says to the lady behind the counter " say what do you people do in town now that you don't have the wool trade" she replied with a knowing smile " we just look after the tourists" . The wool trade in Dulverton ended about 150 years ago.

Priceless it's what happens when you don't have much history I guess.

Love it Keith!!

+1

1981 & 2005 – Two (weirdly !) Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.