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Old Book
by Morganmike - 21/09/26 07:54 PM
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Jun 14th, 2026
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Dont thank me thank Fred he left a load of jokes said to Rita those are for John. We had the same bent off the wall sence of humour , I dont think we ever grew up. 12 of the finest ( unintentional ) double -entendres ever aired on British TV and Radio .
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - " This is a lovely horse I once rode her mother".
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him".
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -" And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing !"
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-"Ah, isn't that nice . The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew".
5. US PGA Commentator "One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer ) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them........ "Oh my God !! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on "Time Team Live" said ":You'd eat beaver if you could get it".
7.A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't , turned to the weatherman and asked , " So Bob , where's that eight inches you promised me last night"? . Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard. !.
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters : "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday".
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said." There's nothing like a big a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this".
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:" "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets".
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked : " They seem cold out there , they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson linning-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself". Thanks John I'm PMSL now nicely  
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Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996 |
Whilst on the subject of cricket here is a brief explanation of the game for our overseas members:-
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game! -ucking brilliant   I'm almost crying here...
2009 4/4 Sport Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Con Green +8 prev
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996 |
Dont thank me thank Fred he left a load of jokes said to Rita those are for John. We had the same bent off the wall sence of humour , I dont think we ever grew up. 12 of the finest ( unintentional ) double -entendres ever aired on British TV and Radio .
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - " This is a lovely horse I once rode her mother".
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him".
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -" And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing !"
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-"Ah, isn't that nice . The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew".
5. US PGA Commentator "One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer ) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them........ "Oh my God !! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on "Time Team Live" said ":You'd eat beaver if you could get it".
7.A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't , turned to the weatherman and asked , " So Bob , where's that eight inches you promised me last night"? . Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard. !.
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters : "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday".
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said." There's nothing like a big a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this".
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:" "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets".
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked : " They seem cold out there , they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson linning-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself". Thanks John I'm PMSL now nicely I raise my glass to you and Fred John - here's to eternal youth 
2009 4/4 Sport Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Con Green +8 prev
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,015 Likes: 1
Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,015 Likes: 1 |
The way you have been knocking it back it must be empty .  I raise my glass to you and Fred John - here's to eternal youth [/quote]
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996 |
The way you have been knocking it back it must be empty . I raise my glass to you and Fred John - here's to eternal youth [/quote]
2009 4/4 Sport Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Con Green +8 prev
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,015 Likes: 1
Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
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Posting Desperado Talk Morgan Guru
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,015 Likes: 1 |
The union is my shepherd; I shall not work,
It maketh me to lie down on the job,
It lead me beside the still factories,
It restoreth my insurance benefit,
Yea though I walk through the shadow of decreased productivity
will feel no recriminations, for the union is with me.
Its restrictive practices , and shop stewards, comfort me ,
It prepareth a works committee for me in the presence of my employers .
It anointeth my hands with pay rises, my bank balance runneth over,
Surely hire-purchase payments and union dues shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in a council house for ever.
Richard I may have to stand up in church at Freds funeral this is one of Freds poems he left me wonder if the vicar will mind if I read it. I better warn the vicar to grip on tight to his bible . He already knows me well last summer there was a punch up in the high street as they where thrown out of the cafe an hispanic and a local both stoned. A lad I know was walking past we stood talking and we put odds on who would win but the police came. The vicar was going past and shot in my place , " arnt you going to go out and stop it vicar" , " no I hate violence ", " dont worry the good Lord will protect you". The big lad who I was talking to gulped and said "John I'm off" .
The vicar then asks me what can he polish his gold church plates with he was going to use Duraglit. I told him no way you will ruin them . I have a special wax you CAN HAVE A LOAN OF AND I WANT IT BACK . He looked at me and saw I was not funning it was costly . If you dont return it "I will pinch the money out of your church plates on Sunday " with a smile " he said " I know you will" . I gave him the wax and a young lad returned it that day. The catholic priest comes in also and he asked me for discount he came from Hendon in Sunderland ( says it all ) no he did not get any ,I now call him father TED.
Last edited by Jack The Lad; 26/08/15 10:51 AM.
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996 |
The union is my shepherd; I shall not work,
It maketh me to lie down on the job,
It lead me beside the still factories,
It restoreth my insurance benefit,
Yea though I walk through the shadow of decreased productivity
will feel no recriminations, for the union is with me.
Its restrictive practices , and shop stewards, comfort me ,
It prepareth a works committee for me in the presence of my employers .
It anointeth my hands with pay rises, my bank balance runneth over,
Surely hire-purchase payments and union dues shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dewll in a council house for ever.
Richard I may have to stand up in church at Freds funeral this is one of Freds poems he left me wonder if the vicar will mind if I read it. I better warn the vicar to grip on tight to his bible . He already knows me well last summer there was a punch up in the high street as they where thrown out of the cafe an hispanic and a local both stoned. A lad I know was walking past we stood talking and we put odds on who would win but the police came. The vicar was going past and shot in my place , " arnt you going to go out and stop it vicar" , " no I hate violence ", " dont worry the good Lord will protect you". The big lad who I was talking to gulped and said "John I'm off" .
The vicar then asks me what can he polish his gold church plates with he was going to use Duraglit. I told him no way you will ruin them . I have a special wax you CAN HAVE A LONE OF AND I WANT IT BACK . He looked at me and saw I was not funning it was costly . If you dont return it "I will pinch the money out of your church plates on Sunday " with a smile " he said " I know you will" . I gave him the wax and a young lad returned it that day. The catholic priest comes in also and he asked me for discount he came from Hendon in Sunderland ( says it all ) no he did not get any ,I now call him father TED.
That is priceless John and I'm sure he will be delighted if you read it out, he probably agrees with most if not all of it. A very brave thing to do by the way. Thanks for sharing this special note. the vicar we have just retired (65) and he was a closet Rapper, not so closet actually and included his party piece in the service one Sunday, if I dig out a copy I'll pm you for an outside email address where to send it on the proviso it goes nowhere else as I promised him it wouldn't. He is going to write and perform at my funeral, which says two things he knows he will survive me and that he cares.
2009 4/4 Sport Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Con Green +8 prev
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 861
Talk Morgan Regular
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Talk Morgan Regular
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 861 |
the vicar we have just retired (65) and he was a closet Rapper,
In these times of Westminster investigations you have to make sure you get that term right when you are talking about priests!!!
2010 Aero Supersport | 2017 VW Multivan | 1996 BMW M3 Evo
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
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OP
Tricky Dicky Member of the Inner Circle
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 37,499 Likes: 996 |
the vicar we have just retired (65) and he was a closet Rapper,
In these times of Westminster investigations you have to make sure you get that term right when you are talking about priests!!! I'll send him this Ken...
2009 4/4 Sport Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Con Green +8 prev
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,646
Needs to Get Out More!
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Needs to Get Out More!
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8,646 |
the vicar we have just retired (65)........
......He is going to write and perform at my funeral, which says two things he knows he will survive me and that he cares.
Sometimes clerics speak with forked tongue on that score. My great grandfather was a Tory councillor on the old London County Council whilst rector of St. George the Martyr in Southwark during the first world war. He was approached one day by one of his parishioners who was a staunch Liberal to ask if, political differences aside, he'd be prepared to officiate at his funeral when the time came. "My dear fellow" he told him "Fear not. I'm always delighted to bury a Liberal". Oh, and JTL, I loved the TUC version of the 23rd psalm
Last edited by pandy; 26/08/15 04:18 PM.
Giles. Mogless in Paris.
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