Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

The first time I heard about Paraprosdokians, I liked them.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
(Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Brilliant.

Excellent!

Theresa May's Mexican wave: the same as the elections ...
Bad Timing !!!
https://youtu.be/O5DvetG4AFk

https://twitter.com/scottreid1980/status/874737782106849280/photo/1

As soon as I saw that Theresa May was at the match supporting England with Emmanuel Macron supporting France, I knew the France were going to win the game.

She can't seem to do anything right, he can't seem to get anything wrong.

She could start trying to do things right with practicing the "La Ola". In this context she could ask Angela to join her. Otherwise Angela Merkel currently seems to be much more successful than Theresa or Mr. Schulz of the German SPD.

Superb paraprosdokians Giles.

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore 13. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down 26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
28. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
29. I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
30. If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
31. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

Love the Welsh cheese one...