Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Last one for tonight....

One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee was inventing some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

“I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”


Get yer coat!!!

Talk about scraping the barrel!

In a hotel a guest asks the receptionist: "Excuse me sir, could you please bring some pepper to my room?"
The receptionist:"Certainly sir, black or white?"
The hotel guest:"No, no, toilet pepper!"

Come back Tony Blackburn all is forgiven

A man took his 5 year old grandson to the shopping centre.

While his back was turned for a second, the little blighter wandered off and got lost.

The little boy approached a security guard, and said that he'd lost his Grandpa.

"What's he called ?" asked the security guard.

"Grandpa" came the reply.

"Okay then" said security guard "What's he like ?"
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"Morgans, beer, and ladies with big tits".

OK...toilet humour...literally.
Lifted from Pistonheads. was looking oddly at me curled up laughing.
Apologies to those of a delicate persona.

I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.

So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.

To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.

Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?

Kind of killed the mood, rather.

Yep brilliant, i am there nearly every night.
:exting

Worthers +8