Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

Mrs Jones took her husband to the doctor.

Dr: "Now what seems to be the problem?"

Mrs. J: "The silly old b thinks he's a dog!"

Dr: "Well let's have a look at you. Please lie down on the couch Mr Jones."

Mr. J: "Oh thank you Doctor. She won't let me up on the couch at home!"

Q. Why didthe Mexican throw his wife down the stairs?

A. Tequila

.....................................

Q. What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

A. Andale

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1500!" she cried,"£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1500

I have just bought some Sainsburys sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.

On the back of the packet it says" prick with a fork"..........

......Can't argue with that. I admire their honesty.

Very good

Love it

Definitely warrens the 3 rofl award.

+1.

+2 ....GOOD

Smiling is infectious
you catch it like the flue

When someone smiled at me today
I started Smiling too

I walked around the corner
and someone saw me grin

When he smiled I realised
I had past it onto him

I thought about a smile
then realised its worth

So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected

Start an Epidemic
And get the World infected.

By Spike M.

I love it only 2 things he missed in the early 1970s just purchased a recorder it cost over 70 quid GULP we went to my brothers for Christmas lunch I made June run home with me to tape the goons . Got in in time . Had no idea how it worked and it was starting on TV . I have a short fuse Hit it with my fist and lost 75 quid in a instant and the Goons . Bet Spike would have peed him self laughing at that . But on the other side a smile . Who but a mog owner does this a couple of years ago I took the mog to Darlington followed by future son in law . The +*%&#@ drove at 40mph on the A1(M) . The sky opened no hood up soaked like a rat . Everyone looking at me from there car or bus seat . Smile and grin at them then wave . They dont have an answer . When Future Son In Law arrived I asked him " why so slow " and he replied I wanted to see you get soaked" Not a lot you can say to that . But I will get my own back . The garage lads ROTFL . On the return day it looked sunny as I drove out the garage June in Audi with all mod cons . The sky opened up 100% but I kept waving and smiling . They don't understand you are not able to get any wetter that wet . Even when the ton cover sends its waves onto your lap , funny they never go the other side and onto the road . Must be MOGS LAW . It took about three weeks for my overalls to dry out and just as long for June to stop laughing .