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If I did what you ask I would be writing from a HMP and on that subject .It was 1972 one mate decided to throw the towel in and get married he is now single . I sorted out a batch night for BOB in Durham city. As always Brian got stoned Chris had a few . Johnny no drink (me) always sober ( dull boring fart ) . Stopped the fights bought the beers and played nurse maid . As we came over the Elvet bridge it was cars over in those days . Brian held onto the roof of a car to stand up , nothing wrong with that . But decided to use it like a drum . I told him off and what got out of a car but a prison warder and started on him . I stepped in to stop him he was going to rip Brian apart , then picked on me . I am not soft and stand my ground. I told him if he touched anyone . I would be going straight to the Prison Gov your job would be over . He intended to treat Brian like a prisoner and hit him . I stood infront of him and told him to go I had took his reg . He jumped in his car as the traffic built up . He shot away and we ended up at the show ground They all jumped on the waltzer except me . Brian to drunk to pay and the show chap kept coming to me for the cash. I am still waiting for my cash back . I am a dull boring fart getting them home , by the time I had done that got home and put the cars away and got a good sleep . They would call early morning my parents would send them up to my room . I would tell them to b /off and they would grab me out of bed and pull me along the very long landing into the bathroom naked and push me into a cold shower. Yes who needed enemies with mates like that.

Jack, those are very good stories of trying to do the right thing but being stuck in a rather dubious situation. Here’s one for you along the same vein.

I was Army, recently back from Vietnam and nolonger wanted to hurt anybody. Coincidentally a bunch of Marines who lived next door were back from that ugly conflict and somehow we all thought it was a good idea to go into Mexico to a friends ranch, spend the week riding offroad motorcycles during the day and drinking at night in the local cantina,,,what could go wrong?!!

Well, we were merrily consuming beer, I had my obligatory one beer since I was the lookout and when someone spotted a dog in the cantina one of the Marines thought it a good idea to see if we could get the canine to howl at the spherical white globe lamps hanging from the ceiling. So, 5 Marines, 2 Army guys, my girlfriend and all the neighboring tables were howling at the lamp. The dog eventually caught on and joined in. The bartender thought this not to funny and kicked us all out of the cantina. We all went peacefully except one Marine, figures... when the Federales showed up with a paddy wagon to haul away anyone making a disturbance we all stood back because they had no sense of humor, but that one Marine had to make a scene and they threw him in the vehicle. At this point the Federales were looking for anyone they thought they could hold hostage and they spotted one of our friends, a hippie guy who was never in the bar but was sitting in the bed of a pickup truck drinking a beer very quietly and had said nothing. They spotted him and grabbed him out of the truck and threw him into the wagon. Now that was when it all got interesting!

My girlfriend was Spanish American and spoke Spanish fluently and a firey little girl at 4’11” with long red hair and bright blue eye ranover to the very large, fat, Federale and grabbed him by the forearm, yelling at him in Spanish the entire time. I understood some of it but very quickly her picked her up like a rag doll and tossed her into the paddywagon! Me, being the designated driver was quickly accessing what to do and decided we should follow the paddywagon to find out where in the hell they were being taken. They took the guys to a main lockup that you could smell a block away but they took my girlfriend to a small substation and hustled her into the backroom. Not a good situation.

My buddy and I went in the front door and inquired about fines to get them out of jail, all the while hearing my GF crying in the backroom, God knows what they were doing to her. The very fat Federale would not speak English to us and in very broken English he said “Judge in morning”. This didn’t sit well with me so we emptied our pockets of all the money we had in an attempt to bribe him. He didn’t even get up from his desk. It called for a rethink, so another friend who had NOT been incarcerated always carried a $100 dollar bil,l for emergencies (this was 1968 when that had impact) so we retrieved the cash and walked back into that substation, bery loudly flapping that $100 dollar bill. Well imagine this, the fat cop stood up and in perfect English saying d “ senior, how may I help you”, ha, no surprise there! We inquired about the charges and the fines which were creating a public disturbance for the guys and obstructing justice for my GF. She had yelled that she knew the Mayor of Ensanada personally and would tell him what bad men they were (she was not lying). So the fat cop says the fine is $12.50, each. He calls the main lockup and had the two guys brought to us and brought the girl outof the backroom. We gavenim the $100 dollars and then he reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a wad of Americam money all rolled up nicely and made change, something we did NOT expect.

The moral of the story is, don’t go drinking in a corrupt forieng country and if you do bring Laywers, Guns, and Money 😊

We actually did get some good riding in and didn’t hit a cactus or olive trees.

People are the same the world over. my best mates step brother was in the army and 4 of us decided to go to a pub that sold OLD PECULIAR . To a place called Saltburn . I was grabbed by a pededophile as a child but my mate and me kicked him and broke free and ran . Dad looked for him with his brother but he had gone . On speaking to Dad he said keep away from funny men . He did not tell me what they did . What help was that Nor did he tell me of Gays so I grew up not knowing the difference and having fear of both . At one pub my best mate said the soldier we had gone to see was Gay all night I stood with my back next to the roaring coal fire its was red from the heat. At the end of the evening my mate told me he was straight . We went to a place for a good meal we sat and sat and sat after they had taken our orders after several shaves haircuts and a birthday . Tony said that's it . Watch this he was in an stunning suit as the waiter walked passed Tony fell on the floor behind him grabbed at his trouser leg and started to beg for food telling the waiter he was starving . He followed him across the floor to the kitchen door. He got up walked back to his chair and said "Watch OUR FOOD ARRIVE INSTANTLY ITS AN OLD ARMY TRICK we use it when needed ' Sure enough it was out in a flash all the customers in stitches .

Reminds me of my cousin, who had just bought a house. He lives alone. I asked him how many bedrooms he has and he said “ it’s got 2 double garages”. I repeated my question and he said “2 or 3 I’m not sure. But I’ve got 2 garages”

We get on very well...

That's brilliant.
Reminds me of a client who was telling ke his wife had just bought a new car. I asked him what it was and he replied " oh, it's a Suzukki.......something!"

Giles , I forgot this one Yormog was camping with Normog and a couple was camping the lad who's name slips my mind awoke needed the loo but to tired to go . Slipped to the rear of the tent outside and a stream flowed past as did a midge who landed on it and stung him . He could not sleep . The next morning his wife shouted from the tent door what had happened . Everyone had some rude remarks . Oddly in the 1980s + whenever YORMOG and NORMOG got together it was belly busting laughs not forgetting been thrown off the sites . June and I seemed to miss the site owners and when asked told them we had an MG. Maybe some day I may write about what we all got up to then run away .

I knew a bloke whose wife was expecting a baby. What I didn't know was that he was also due to get a new transit van from work.

When I asked him what he was hoping for (meaning boy or girl) he replied that he was really hoping for a blue one.

Excellent chap he is.
Nick

I said a short while ago that years ago when Normog and Yormog got together for some reason unknown to us we got banned from every site . BUT NEVER JUNE AND ME YES ITS TRUE ASK GOD he is unable to work it out also .

We had a w/end in N/yorkshire at Rosedale chimneys a place they used to burn lime etc I think . We arrived pitched our tent and spotted a mate from Normog with his wife over in the corner of the field , the others from both lots had banned him to over 100 + yards away as he snored like a pig and full blast and no one got any sleep on other w/ends . Put your rubber pants on here it goes. BL started to blow up his airbed with a little pump from the mog battery , went to chat to another mate and after a while BOOM the air bed exploded lots of wet pants and eyes from laughter . After BL sorted himself out he got his little meths stove could not get it to work fiddled and fiddled and woosh flames and BL's beard was away and the rest of us ROTFL .
In the late a/noon a mog went past our field spotted us and turned round , the lad was from M/brough was in a hurry home he had just but it together . Oddly he parked next to our tents and we went up the pub that evening . At about 10pm . June and I went back to our tent with a few remarks like we know what you are going to do etc etc.
A great nights sleep for us but one M. was a butcher he was throwing a right old paddy . He had brought a load of his best smoked bacon and a fox had sneaked into his tent in the night and nicked all of it . But left the plain stuff . M. had invented words I never knew . Everyone again in stitches .
We had to get off the site due to a bust up while We slept . The others had a few pints rolled out of the pub down the bank and the farmer had locked the gate . Hence the lad from M/brough was stuck almost m/night 6 hours late and still an hour from home no mobiles them days . They went to the farmers door to ask him to open his gate . He was not a happy chap so they told me and hell broke out . D AND B walked back to there tents B and D got the tools out of there mogs and removed the gate then threw it in a field and went to there tents to sleep. We where woken that m/ing and told we had to leave by D. So its up and pack . On going up the very very steep bank to the top who did I spot but a great pal and his wife. The nicest lad I have ever met in the mog club and he was stuck no water in his old mog rad. I parked my mog and told him I was going for a few gallon off the farmer .To be told off M you have not a chance John. I jumped in my mog with June and off stopped outside the farmer house and knocked on the door kept my grin and started the patter for 2 gallon of water . He had not a clue as he asked was I with that MG lot . I told him not to be so rude we are of a better class we are Morgan owners. He gave me 2 1 gallon containers and showed me where the taps was. I filled them up and off . M sitting in his mog . When we arrived I got "how did you do that" as I handed 2 full 1 gallon containers . I replied "A Geordie cheeky grin on my face mate" . Maybe I should change from Jack the lad it does not fit my shy image at all.