Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

. It caused a BIT of confusion.

Turns out it was the American son of Richard Keyes, Chuck

If it was, it would be Lion? Aye.

You'd have to be nuts to attack someone with a drill. The screws will keep the offender in prison but if he sees a chance to escape he'll probably make a bolt for the door.

I used to have a rescue dog that was originally owned by a blacksmith. Didn’t have him long.
He made a bolt for the door.

Such a nice day today, so I dug out my walking boots and went for a lovely long walk along the coast path.
Packed a rucksack, a Thermos of coffee and some sandwiches.
Fabulous views, as usual, so after a while I stopped to enjoy the sunshine and a nice coffee.

Sorry, I’m rambling.

Good one

50 one-liners from the fringe

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” Gary Delaney

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis

“I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” Lou Sanders

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” Emo Philips

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'” Paddy Lennox

“I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” Frankie Boyle

“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle

“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” Lew Fitz

“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” Andy Field

“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” Mark Simmons

“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” Jimeoin

“I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” Ed Byrne

“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” Olaf Falafel

“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ Alasdair Beckett-King

“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” Angela Barnes

“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” Adele Cliff

“For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” Phil Wang

“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” Adam Hess

“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” Tim Vine

“Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell​

“I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson

“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith

“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan

“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson

“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney

“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff

“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath

“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. that work?” Olaf Falafel

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes

“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.” Olaf Falafel

“I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift

“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons

“Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

“Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” Stewart Francis

“Surely every car is a people carrier?” Adam Hess

“What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” Masai Graham

“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas” Mark Nelson

“Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day” Tom Parry

“I never lie on my CV…because it creases it.” Jenny Collier

“If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” Ian Smith

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” Tom Ward

“Earlier this year I saw ‘The Theory of Everything’ – loved it. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’, that’s my only criticism” James Acaster

“I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” Masai Graham

“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor

“This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.” Tim Vine

A stranger walks into a pub. The guys in the public bar aren't very friendly and try as he may he can't engage them in conversation. Eventually he says to one of them, "I've got a very unusual skill, I bet you a fiver if you stick your car key up my arse I can tell what car you drive." This gets everyone's attention so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the first guy inserts his car key up the guy's arse. "That's a Ford Fiesta", he says, "Put your money on the bar.". The astonished punter does so and the next customer has a go. A slight smile crosses the man's face as he says, "Mercedes 190SL, put your money on the bar." He proceeds correctly guess what everyone drives and a big pile of fivers builds up. Finally a mechanic in greasy overalls winks at his mates and gets a spark plug out of his pocket, then proceeds to ram this up the guy's sphincter. A big smile spreads across the guy's face. "I don't know what you drive lad, but that's f***ing Champion!"