Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Monday humour

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I rang Sea World to buy some tickets.
I got a message that said this call may be used for training porpoises.

At about 40 seconds into the video you will become enlightened as to the Pearl and Dean joke:

Pearl and Dean video clip

Thank you!

Thought I had lost my humour appreciation 'chip'!

You will if you depend on this site to activate it.

It was a really nice morning so a guy decided to drive his Morgan to work, he was having a good day at work until the afternoon when his wife phoned him up to remind him it is their daughters birthday and to make sure he brings home the present. He had been so busy he had completely forgotten and had not even gone out to the shops to buy the present.

He left work early and thought I can't get the writing desk my wife wants as the shop is out of town and will be shut by the time I get there plus I don't want to try bring it home today as it will probably scratch the Morgan, I know I will drop into the toy shop on the main road on the way home so I can park the car somewhere it should not get scratched and buy something that should fit in the car easily. He walks into the shop and a salesman approaches.

Salesman says "Can I help you".
He replies "Yes I need a present for a 10 year old girl"
Salesman asks "Does she like Barbie?"
He replies "Yes I think so, I don't think she has one"
Salesman says "OK we have Beach Barbie for $19.99, Surfer Barbie for $19.99, Shopping Barbie for $19.99 and Divorced Barbie for $599.99 on a great special"
He asks "Why is Divorced Barbie so expensive even if on special"

Salesman replies "Beach Barbie comes with a pink Bikini and beach umbrella, Surfer Barbie comes with a pink wetsuit and surfboard, Shopping Barbie comes with a nice pink dress and handbag. Divorced Barbie comes with three sets of nice clothes as well as her Pink Porsche, Ken's House, Ken's Mercedes and Ken's bank account"

Neptune...Nothing fishy going on with the humour in here.....

Sounds like good anchoring advice

Some of the best jokes from this year's Edinburgh fringe

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.
Nick Helm,

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Ivo Graham,

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course, that’s 20 cows’.
Jake Lambert,

I moved from Malaysia to the UK mainly for comedy and so I can drink tap water and not $hit myself.
Nigel Ng,

I seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I’ll never know.
Christopher Macarthur-Boyd,

A new eco-opera, Rainforest Ocean Blue, is a disaster. The tenor in particular is dreadful. An aria – The Sighs of Whales – is being destroyed every night…
Simon Evans,

My friend slept with Uri Geller. Afterwards he laid on his side and she laid on her side snuggling into him. Then her head fell off.
Neil Delamere,

Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.
Kelly Convey,

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims.
Abbie Murphy,

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.
Catherine Bohart,

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit, I had to go back to Africa to see what a stable government looks like.
Daliso Chaponda,

I was buying a dishwasher online, so I searched by price lowest to highest – the top result was a sponge.
Darius Davies,

Did you hear about the flea that went to the moon ? Lunatic.
Felix & the Scootermen,

In his job my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.
Glenn Moore,

I didn’t realise pre-drinks meant before drinking. Because I used to get offended on a night out when my friends called me a prima donna, but now I realise it’s just before I get a kebab.
Jack Gleadow,

British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.
Milo McCabe,

I tell my friends I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them
on the 24th of July.
Andy Field,

I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?
Eric Lampaert,

My girlfriend survived cancer in 2014, really hard year for both of us, I didn’t know her at the
time but I was between jobs.
Richard Stott,

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
Goose,

I didn’t get involved in the incident outside the kebab shop. I thought ‘let the chips fall where they may’.
Martha McBrier,

Someone once said to me ‘Billie you are so pretentious’ – I think it was Jean Paul Sartre. Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget.
Billie Trix,

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp.
Lucy Frederick,

The Australian government treats Aboriginal people much like you would your finest set of silverware… Like, if you have special guests, especially international ones, shine it up and show it off! Otherwise… Just lock it up.
Aboriginal Comedy Allstars,

My personal trainer said I’m a secret eater. I thought look at the size of me! That is not a well-kept secret!
Daisy Earl,

I got asked the other day if I Liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee.
Joey Page,

When I was a kid, I worried about weird stuff like getting trapped in a painting, though I don’t worry about that now as Jacob Rees-Mogg shows that you can get out of them again.
Jim Campbell,

The Pope was being driven around Glasgow in the Pope Mobile when the Pope says

' I've been sitting in the back of this thing for years how's about giving me a wee shot of driving ? '

So , the Chauffeur gets out and sits in the back and allows the Pope to drive - however , not being used to the sensitive accelerator he goes over the speed limit and is pulled over by a Policeman .

The Policeman immediately phones his office back in Govan and says to his mate ' You'll never guess who I pulled over today ? ' .

' Dunno , Steven Gerrard , Rangers Manager ? ' .

' No , higher up than that ' .

' Dunno , Nicola Sturgeon ? ' .

' No , much higher up than her ' .

' Dunno , who was he then ? ' .

' Well , I don't know who he was but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur !! ' .