Some of the best jokes from this year's Edinburgh fringe

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.
Nick Helm,

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Ivo Graham,

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course, that’s 20 cows’.
Jake Lambert,

I moved from Malaysia to the UK mainly for comedy and so I can drink tap water and not $hit myself.
Nigel Ng,

I seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I’ll never know.
Christopher Macarthur-Boyd,

A new eco-opera, Rainforest Ocean Blue, is a disaster. The tenor in particular is dreadful. An aria – The Sighs of Whales – is being destroyed every night…
Simon Evans,

My friend slept with Uri Geller. Afterwards he laid on his side and she laid on her side snuggling into him. Then her head fell off.
Neil Delamere,

Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.
Kelly Convey,

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims.
Abbie Murphy,

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.
Catherine Bohart,

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit, I had to go back to Africa to see what a stable government looks like.
Daliso Chaponda,

I was buying a dishwasher online, so I searched by price lowest to highest – the top result was a sponge.
Darius Davies,

Did you hear about the flea that went to the moon ? Lunatic.
Felix & the Scootermen,

In his job my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.
Glenn Moore,

I didn’t realise pre-drinks meant before drinking. Because I used to get offended on a night out when my friends called me a prima donna, but now I realise it’s just before I get a kebab.
Jack Gleadow,

British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.
Milo McCabe,

I tell my friends I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them
on the 24th of July.
Andy Field,

I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?
Eric Lampaert,

My girlfriend survived cancer in 2014, really hard year for both of us, I didn’t know her at the
time but I was between jobs.
Richard Stott,

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
Goose,

I didn’t get involved in the incident outside the kebab shop. I thought ‘let the chips fall where they may’.
Martha McBrier,

Someone once said to me ‘Billie you are so pretentious’ – I think it was Jean Paul Sartre. Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget.
Billie Trix,

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp.
Lucy Frederick,

The Australian government treats Aboriginal people much like you would your finest set of silverware… Like, if you have special guests, especially international ones, shine it up and show it off! Otherwise… Just lock it up.
Aboriginal Comedy Allstars,

My personal trainer said I’m a secret eater. I thought look at the size of me! That is not a well-kept secret!
Daisy Earl,

I got asked the other day if I Liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee.
Joey Page,

When I was a kid, I worried about weird stuff like getting trapped in a painting, though I don’t worry about that now as Jacob Rees-Mogg shows that you can get out of them again.
Jim Campbell,

Giles. Mogless in Paris.