Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Lp2XV22FO4c

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the
Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other
hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I dunno. It ain't 'til next week!"

Aldi Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi.

He deposits ten pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

Did you hear about the three women golfing on the fourth green,
when suddenly a man runs past with nothing but a bag over his head .

As he passes the first woman , she looks down and says , " its not my husband".

As he passes the second women , she looks down and says , " he's not not my husband either".

He then passes the third woman and she looks down and says " He's not even a member of this golf club ".

This is so bad, in such poor taste that I apologies in advance. But it made me laugh so much I had to post it.....

It was a dark night in a remote part of the country as a black saloon with blacked out windows passed a Police car parked at the side of a road.
The Police car pulled out and sped after the black car, turned on its blue lights and flagged it down. One Police Officer got out of the car and walked up to the driver, a uniformed chauffer.
He checked the driver’s identity and asked who was in the back: the partition between driver and passengers dropped to reveal three Priests in full garb.
The Policeman asked for their identity but the Priests had none. The Policeman explained that this was a serious matter as the Police were looking for a paedophile. Suddenly the glass screen was closed, leaving the Policeman unsure what to do. The Policeman explained to the driver the seriousness of the matter and said he would have to call for further instruction, but before he could do so the screen descended and one of the Priests said: “we have discussed this in great detail and we will do it, just take us to the place”.

When asked by an interviewer why he'd taken up diving rather than fencing, Tom Daley explained that he was a sh*t stabber.

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?