Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Golf or Sex?

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says.

"You already know how to play golf!"

How true & if she doesn't snr does!!

Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'.

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

I’m O.K., but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say?' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bob myself.'

Very good.

Theatre Seats for Seniors


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.



The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.



The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.



Finally they summoned the police.



The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right mate what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving,





Fred replied.............

... "The balcony."