Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Congratulations. I haven't mentioned it to . We don't talk anymore.

Oooooh --- "miss you nights" then.......

You'll be relieved to know I'm about to hit the road for Ascot and the Red Bull Air Race Giles, besides you are smoking tonight and I need any excuse to go....... Regards Richard.

Politician...a definitive description !


While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer , whose hand was caught in a squeeze gate while working cattle , the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as leaders .

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'post turtles '".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."


The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain . "You know he didn't get up there by himself , he doesn't belong up there , he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function , and you just wonder who put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've heard.

Punny! (Yes, that was meant)

A stallion effort, I laughed til I was horse.

WARNING – STAY AWAY FROM DOCTORS AND HOSPITALS
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These are sentences - exactly as typed by medical secretaries in the National Health Service, Greater Glasgow


1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.


2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.


3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.


7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.


10. Healthy, appearing decrepit, 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.


11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


12. She is numb from her toes down.


13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.


14. The skin was moist and dry.


15. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.


16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.


20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.


24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.


29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital