Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

Tools Explained


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Very good.

+1. Sums up life really

BBC Breaking News: UK Suicide Bombers go on Strike.



Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday, in a
dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.



Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a
suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from
72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings
has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.)
responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called
for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return
but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth" Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the
West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with
our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands."

"They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive market-place

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the after-life
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like
cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow
themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire
Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership, as there are
so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has
been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists
now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

Oh dear! There is something in there to offend nearly everyone. I think I'll go and

The last 10 Cents





A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.



He gives the young boy three 10c coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.



The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.



Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the coffee bar.

Gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.



Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants. Takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist.

Gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!!



After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.



Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"



"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Australian Tax Office."

Like it!

I can think of an NBC member who would agree 100%!!

I suspect this skill is one well practiced by tax inspectors outside of OZ too.....

Woman has MAN in it;

Mrs has MR in it;

Female has MALE in it;

Madam has ADAM in it;

Ever notice how all of womens problems start with MEN?.

MENtal illness!

MENtal cramps!

MENtal breakdown!

MENopause!

GUYnecologist!

When women have real trouble,
its a HISterectomy;