Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a massive heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 16, 2015
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!!!!

A girl goes out with a bloke for the first time. He asks her what she wants to do. "I want to get weighed" she says. He takes her to a weighing machine and gets her to weigh herself.

This happens a few times before the bloke gets fed up and takes her home. Her father greets her and asks if she had a good time.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Wousy" she says.

Wery Lood ...

As usual, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing their abilities in the bedroom and talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes.”
The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? .........wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Bob Newhart - still cracks me up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XDxAzVEbN4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArMf6xbMsLI

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

WHY FEMALES SHOULD AVOID A GIRLS NIGHT OUT AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by Midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew! I got away with that one!
Then he said, 'We need a new Cuckoo Clock.'
When I asked him why, he said,
'WELL, LAST NIGHT OUR CLOCK CUCKOOED 3 TIMES, THEN SAID 'OH dermot.' CUCKOOED 4 MORE TIMES, CLEARED ITS THROAT, CUCKOOED ANOTHER 3 TIMES, GIGGLED, CUCKOOED TWICE MORE, THEN TRIPPED OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND FARTED.

great one!