Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

So no Doctors then

The Satnav - by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.

An admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew, he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle that bears the insignia."

Horrified the Admiral exclaimed, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief cook shrugged and replied, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you steer well clear of the doughnuts."

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Texas.
He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73
I'm so happy, because I live at number 89.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give
without remembering
and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough
to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

A joke that’s going around the Ukraine :



Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.



At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"

Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.



When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says

"I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine ? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"

I HOPE THIS CLEARS UP THE QUESTION.



Subject: Guts or Balls

HEREIN IS THE ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION


There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

Brilliant !

...... an election appears to be looming folks ..................





As we approach the next general election .............. just keep this in mind when choosing your local idiot ...........





While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."



Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.