Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

This shouldn't make me laugh...

Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £20 to £30 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £20- £30.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.

It reads, 'I only need another £500 to move back to Pakistan '.

But it does.....
Never underestimate the power of properly focussed marketing!

Very un pc. I understand your comments

The story continues:

The following day Habib report Pavinder to inland revenue for failing to disclose his income. Pavinders tax evasion can be traced back years. To fund the required back-payments and interest charges Pavinder is forced to sell all his assets. Dismayed by the harsh treatment by a tyrannical western power Pavinder's 2 under 16 teenage daughters run off to Syria to be ISIS bridges.

LOL!!

Two men in a bar, the young one is obviously eyeing up the girls. He turns to the older man (a Morgan owner to boot) and says.

"Must be awful getting old, unable to make love to pretty women"

"Oi" says the older man. "I could still show you a thing or two, in fact, I bet you £100 that I could perform more often in one night than you could"

"OK" says the young man. "We'll pick up a couple of girls and see who is the winner"

They find a couple of girls and take them back to separate motel rooms.

The young guy makes love to the girl for the first time and puts a chalk mark on the wall. Then before going to sleep, he performs again, putting a second chalk mark on the wall. He then falls asleep. In the morning he makes love to the girl and puts a third chalk mark on the wall, thinking "that should do it"

About ten minutes later he hears a scratching on the door. He opens it to find the older man crawling on his hands and knees. The old man crawls into the bedroom, looks up at the wall and says.

"Damn it. One hundred and eleven, beat me by three".

Taken from MogTalk

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.

In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake..

In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

On Spike Milligan's headstone;

Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite...I told you I was ill.

One of my school friends was an autograph hunter, and he always tried to get the victim to write something pithy as well as signing their name.

When he got Milligan's autograph, Spike wrote above it "A bird in the Strand is worth two in Shepherd's Bush"