Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

And there was me thinking it was the ancient Greek journalists reporting on the Games at Olympia and adding etchings to their proclamation scrolls.....

Hence Olym pics!

At a wedding ceremony, the Vicar asked if anyone had
anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young, beautiful woman
carrying a child.
She started walking toward the Vicar slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks
and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Vicar asked the woman,
"Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"

The woman replied,
"We can't hear in the back."

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan

"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes

"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf

"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

That definitely gets my 4 rofl award

Brilliant

At least it was not a past-participle!

Absolutely brilliant.
Perked up an otherwise dull day.

Worthers +8

The best one ever, thanks for sharing