Some old, some new, most clever ...
• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Take my advice — I'm not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
