Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

On a building site one day a chippy sends Paddy down the scaffold to bring him up a joist.

He's gone a long time, and when he reappears is dragging a massive RSJ behind him."Bloody hell Paddy" says the chippy. "Don't you know the difference between joists and girders ?


Paddy scratches his head and replies, "Ah well sorr, to be sure. Joyce was yer man as wrote Ulysses, but Goethe was only the fella that wrote Faust".

Some puns



I tried to catch some fog. I mist

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity ... I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra ....

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

OOh!

New wine for senior mog owners

California vinters in the Napa Valley area , which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pino Noir and Pinot Grigio wines , have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti- diuretic .

The new wine will be marketed as.





Pino More

Thanks JTL - That has brighterned up an otherwise .... day.

Marriage
( PART 1 )
Typical macho man
married typical good-looking
lady , and after the wedding ,
he laid down the the following rules .


'I'll be home when I want, if I want
and at what time. I want- and do't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you I wont be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting , fishing , boozing and card-playing
when I want with my old pals and
dont you give me a hard time about it .
Those are the rules .
Any comments ?'

His new bride said :
'No thats fine by me . Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .... whether you'r here or not'.

Marriage
( Part 11 )

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife- Cold
As Ever'!'

'yeah she replies. 'When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here lies My Husband-
Stiff At Last'!'


Marriage
(Part 111 )

Husband (a Doctor) and his wife are
having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in rage and say's
'And you are no good in bed either,'
and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband say's
'What took you so long to answer the phone ?'

She says, 'I was in bed '

'In bed this early, doing what ?'

'Getting a second opinion!'



Marriage ( Part 1V )

A Man has six children and is very proud
of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he
starts calling his wife ,
'Mother of Six'in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it is time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice,
'Shall we go home Mother of six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's
lack of discretion
shouts back,
'Any time you're ready,
Father of four'.

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into her shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the door bell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs .

When she opens the door, there stands Keith , the next door neighbour .

Before she says a word , Keith say's "I"ll give you 800 quid to drop that towel".

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Keith, after a few seconds , Keith
hands her 800 quid .

The woman wraps back in the towel and goes upstairs .

When she gets into the bathroom , her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Keith the next door neighbour ", she replies

"Great, the husband says, " did he say anything about the 800 quid he owes me?

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with am inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well .
Still half groggy though , the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch .
Worried that it may be a second surgery and the Doctors had not told him about it.
He finally got the energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable .
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that does not come off easily , if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence , "Get Get well soon"
from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

makes your eyes weep

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida,
with his bride Virginia,
Anthony stopped by his old pal barbers shop in Jersey
to say hello to his friends .

Giovanni said, "Hey Tony, how wasa da treep?"

Tony said, "Everything wasa perfecto except
for da train ride
down".

"Whatayou mean , Tony?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful wife Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip,
and open upa da luncha basket.

"The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, no eat indisa car .

Musta use a dining car..'

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice vino!

"Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, ' No smokina disa car...'

"We go to smokina car and I smoke a biga cigar .
Then my Virgina and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go
boombada boombada and the conductore,
he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his voice..

" Nofolfka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time , I'ma just
gonna taka da bus!.