Talk Morgan Forums Community The Malvern Arms Tongue in cheek Friday humour

I use to like a penguin in my lunch box John..

Last night was swim night we have been in a swimming club for years . But council after council close them down . So the club think nothing of booking a baths and traveling a distance . Sometimes we stay at a hotel instead of traveling home . I had done a bit in the water so stood a while talking to a couple of the female staff AS ONE DOES to pass the time with jokes . A little while later one of the girls walked past me and dropped something , quick as a flash she said " its you to blame "and started to grin . I fired back . " Me getting the blame again think yourself lucky its not something else you dropped" and grinned. She could not stand up nor could half the club. We did not hit our bed till 1-30am , late in getting up as I sat at the b/fast table SWMBO asked " What do you want for b/fast ". "I would like a surprise 10 mins later while still 1/2 asleep a b/fast bowl was placed in front of me in it was a sheet of paper with the word surprise written on and a funny face sketched on it then when she saw my face she ROTFL . I have to say SWMBO is starting to give me some of my own medicine .

That is good John - she has learnt well

Who's side are you on . Remember its 2 against 1 in this house even when we had the dog he would play me against Snr and Jnr . OFF TO BED NIGHT NIGHT.

Good to see you in high humour again JTL. Enjoyed your jokes, I cant usually remember a joke 5 mins after hearing it.

Same here, but I do like to re visit all these on TM.

Whats the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium , nine inches is rare.


Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning ?
They don't have balls to scratch .


Whats a mixed feeling ?
When you see your mother-in-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.


What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


What's the definition of 'Macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Do you know how Australians practice safe sex .
They spray paint X's on the back of a sheep that kick.


Why is divorce so expensive ?
Because it's worth it!.


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie , but the Guy can do it alone.


What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.


What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration .


What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.


What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a wife?
45 pound.


What's the difference between 'ooooooh' and aaaaaah'
about three inches.


How do you find a Blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.


What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Is there no end to this brilliance? You have surely missed your true vocation John.

found it for me years ago washing dishes , carrying the shopping , helping her find whats not made in the clothes shops etc etc etc .

Almost if not coming to the end of my pile of jokes , they are the ones my late mate sent me a few years ago . We both had the same dry wit the cut and thrust was magic , had been all the way through school . I even had him laughing as he was in his bed ready to leave this world . Its what he would have wanted and he did it to one of our mates when he had not long to go . He called on Jimmy who was in bed , Jimmy said "Fred I don't have long to go " . Fred replied , " then make sharp the pubs close at 10-30 ". Jimmy could not stop laughing . Thats what mates are for .
Jimmy me Fred and Fred,s step brother few years older, step brother ( ex army ) went out one night to look for a place that sold a certain beer we had heard of. Ended up in Saltburn .
After they had drank the pub dry hunger kicked in , and ended up in Redcar main road and into a place for food . They took the order and just kept us waiting and waiting and waiting . After tripping over our beards Tony said that's it here goes . He threw himself onto the floor in his suit and started to crawl behind the waiter begging for food telling them he was starving . Everyone started to chuckle we could not stop laughing and the waiters had not a clue what to do . Tony got near the kitchen door got up and returned to the table . Said " watch how quick they bring our food now " . Sure enough it was their in a flash and plates full . He said it was an old army trick they used when the staff ignore you works every time. Told you I was the shy one and my mates where jokers never a dull moment when we got together .