I was out with my daughter the other day, and I was stopped on the street by an old friend, anyway, I said this is my daughter Beth. The lad said what’s Beth short for? I said ‘because she’s only 3

A bit of bad news the other week as I was told to go into hospital after my dad had a fall. When I got there the nurse came up and said, I’m sorry your dad was pronounced dead. I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong all this time.


Was at the library yesterday and the librarian came up and said can I help? So I said have you got any books on turtles? She said, hard back? So I said yeah with little heads.

My Australian friend failed his aboriginal music exam.
I asked him "Did you redo it?"

I suppose I’m in the minority but I always lick the knife when I’m done.
None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

There’s a third off all books at Waterstones. I’ve just bought “The Lion, The Witch.... “

Bird watching with Sinead O'Connor. It's been seven owls and fifteen jays.