My missus thinks I'm immature and that we should set aside a day to sit down and talk about it.
Yeah - like that's going to happen in the middle of the conker season.

Just gave the postman a fright by going to the door naked.
I'm not sure which shocked him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.


I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.


My doctor's diagnosed me as being paranoid.
He didn't actually say it, but I know that's what he was thinking.



He thinks I've got CDO as well.
He called it OCD, but I think it looks better with the letters arranged in alphabetical order.



I was in the pub tonight when I heard a commotion at the other end of the bar.
A friend pushed his way out of the crowd and said "You've got to help, I've got two girls fighting over me"
"So what's the problem ?" I asked
"The fat one's winning"



I was speaking to an ornithologist the other day who saying extra rain in the summer caused by climate change was stopping Owls being able to attract a mate. Apparently it's too wet to woo.



I had an argument with a lollipop lady this morning.
She made me cross.

Last edited by Neptune; 08/10/20 10:16 PM.