Some of Victoria Woods funnies courtesy of todays Torygraph

1 I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.

2 I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

3 I’ve got a degree; does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

4 My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.

5 When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”

6 A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.

7 People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

8 A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.

9 The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”

10 Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.

We're going to miss her alright.

2009 4/4 Henrietta
1999 Indigo Blue +8
2009 4/4 Sport Green prev
1993 Connaught Green +8 prev