A little on the indelicate side, but I heard the late, great Clement Freud telling this one on Radio4 so it can't be that bad:

A chap went out drinking with his mates after work. By midnight, he was completely sozzled. Not only was he going to be really late home, he had managed to be sick down the front of his shirt.

"What am I going to tell the wife?" he wailed plaintively.

"Easy" said his mate. "Just go home holding a £20 note, and tell your wife that someone else did it, and gave you some money to pay for the dry cleaning".

So off our hero staggered, and eventually got home. "Look at the state of you!" shouted his wife.

"'Salright, dear, it wasn't me, and the chap gave me a £20 note to pay for the cleaning"

"Well, that's all very well, but why do you have two £20 notes in your hand?"

"Ah, the other one's from the chap who shat in my pants!"

Tim H.
1986 4/4 VVTi Sport, 2002 LR Defender, 2022 Mini Cooper SE